Standing in the way of control!

We’ve been known to disagree with the advice doled out by the New York Times’ Sunday Styles advice columnist before, and we’ll have to politely (since it is a column about social mores!) disagree again. This coming Sunday’s column is already up on the Times’ website, and N. G. from Arizona asks the following question:

“About a year ago, an acquaintance gave me a long, affectionate squeeze in front of my significant other. Since my friend is gay, I didn’t think it would create an issue. But my boyfriend, who is a little possessive, took offense. Recently, he ran into my acquaintance and threatened to beat him up if it ever happened again. When I told my boyfriend that threats weren’t the right approach, he called me ungrateful and refused to apologize. Should I apologize to my friend?”

Our answer: your boyfriend sounds like a hypercontrolling asshole with potential for abuse! If he’s not already psychologically or physically abusing you (and it sounds like he is!) he’s probably about to start. Columnist Philip Galanes’ answer?

Unless your boyfriend is a method actor preparing some Stanley Kowalski exercise, I’m afraid he’s really put his foot in it. An apology from you doesn’t work. Your behavior was blameless, and apologizing for your boyfriend would be pointless. He’s not sorry and you can’t prevent further outbursts. I’d address the underlying behavior. It’s odd that your boyfriend would object to a hug from a friend, gay or straight, especially if it didn’t bother you. And his response to you is a little strange, as well. ‘Ungrateful’ for what — being treated like a helpless possession? None of this is to say your boyfriend is a bad person. He may have a blind spot where other men are concerned. Still, you owe it to yourself (and the safety of half the world’s population) to straighten this out. Ask him why he became so upset, and let him know that you’re a big girl who can judge whether a touch is inappropriate. If that goes well, ask again about an apology. If not, how would you feel about hugging my diabolical editor?

Look, I know the column is meant to be lighthearted, but Galanes is taking this thing way too flippantly for my liking. There are numerous red flags in the original question, starting with the fact that she had to write into an advice columnist to ask it in the first place. YES you should apologize to your friend for your complete asshole of a boyfriend! How can you even have to ask that question? If my boyfriend ever EVER even yelled at one of my friends, much less threatened them with violence, I would be mortified and apologize profusely. You don’t yell at each other’s friends, just like you don’t yell at other people’s children. Lady, you need to get far, far away from this man as soon as humanly possible.

Social Q’s [New York Times]

[Jezebel]

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Once a solely private activity, what makes men weep in public?

1. Making parents proud. “I know how proud my mum and dad have been,” a visibly overcome Vaughan told the assembled journalists at his resignation press conference. “I spoke to my dad this morning and he said ‘you know can walk away a proud lad because you’ve given it everything’ and that’s all he ever asked me to do.” Anyone else need to dry their own eyes after that?

2. Birth of first child - or grandchild. Now that men are routinely present for this everyday yet momentous event, tears in the birthing room are not uncommon. Not only is this the fruit of a man’s loins, the progeny that will carry his name (perhaps), but he has just witnessed his beloved partner undergoing the agonies of childbirth while he stands by, unable to contribute much beyond encouraging words and a toot on the gas and air. The consultant obstetrician who delivered Gordon Brown’s son, John, said both the PM and wife Sarah “wept tears of joy” at his birth.

His great grandmother lost poor relief after having an illegitimate daughter

3. Tribulations of loved one. Newsnight’s Jeremy Paxman doesn’t do emotion, beyond irritation. But while filming genealogy show Who Do You Think You Are, he welled up on discovering the hardships suffered by his poverty-striken forebears. And blokes don’t come much blokier than former Australian prime minister Bob Hawke, who liked to characterise himself as “Australia’s mate”. But this carapace cracked during a 1985 television interview in which he spoke tearfully about his daughter’s drug addiction.

4. Letting a loved one down. Rough, tough Mr Hawke again shed tears on TV in 1989 as he admitted cheating on his wife of 33 years. Playing the “I’m only human” card, he wept as he vowed constancy. He later divorced his wife and married his long-term lover Blanche d’Alpuget. And cried at how beautiful she looked.

5. Saying sorry. It’s a hard word to get out. In his resignation speech last May, there was a watery shine in Tony Blair’s eyes as he thanked the British people and said “my apologies to you for the times I have fallen short”. Bill Clinton, a habitual crier, wept at the White House’s annual prayer breakfast in 1998. Held the day the Starr report was released, the then President of the United States told the assembled clerics that he had sinned: “It is important to me that everybody who has been hurt know that the sorrow I feel is genuine.”

6. Letting yourself down. Footballer Paul Gascoigne famously welled up after he was booked in the 1990 World Cup. Not only did that yellow card mean he would not be playing in the final, none of his teammates would either, as England was beaten 4-3 by West Germany on penalties.

Mike Skinner’s ballad of lost love caught the mood in summer 2004

7. Being dumped. In his hit single Dry Your Eyes, Mike Skinner - aka The Streets - sings of a young man’s pain as he tries to persuade his girlfriend not to dump him (”We can even have an open relationship, if you must”) and his mate’s efforts to bolster a beaten man (”Dry your eyes mate/I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up”). Released as Portugal sent England crashing out of Euro 2004, it soundtracked thousands of shattered sporting hopes. Which leads us to…

8. Beaten in a hard-fought game. Footballers habitually cry after missing a crucial penalty. Tennis genius Roger Federer, more used to smiling through his tears as he hoists yet another winner’s trophy aloft, welled up as he clutched the loser’s plate in Wimbledon 2008.

Dry your eyes, mate

9. Winning a hard-fought game. After gruelling close encounters with Sharon Osbourne and Simon Cowell, Shayne Ward shed tears as he was named the winner of X Factor 2005. Making a virtue of this, his subsequent hits included I Cry and Some Tears Never Dry. Another to cry a river upon winning was flamboyant snooker player Alex Higgins, who battled his way to win the 1982 World Championship. He wept as he beckoned for his wife and daughter to share in his triumph.

10. These aren’t tears. It’s just bits of dust.

[BBC]

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From Jezebel:

Michael Grove, the shadow education secretary and a prominent Conservative in England, gave a speech today at a meeting organized by the think tank IPPR condemning lad mags (like Nuts, Zoo, and Maxim) for promoting “instant-hit hedonism” and presenting women as “permanently, lasciviously, uncomplicatedly available.” The result, according to Grove, is that the magazines promote a deterioration of responsibility in young men towards women, leaving British communities with apparently the worst social situation that could ever occur: single-parent families. Yes, lad mags may present a sexist image of women, but is focusing on the importance of “male responsibility” towards women reinforcing sexist and misogynist attitudes towards women or destroying them? (A poll on the website of the Guardian reveals that, as of this morning, 54% of respondents think that lad mags do not “make men feckless”.)Probably the former. Yes, families where both parents are present in the children’s lives are more stable and ultimately create a better environment for children, but Grove is implying that parents need to not only be married for children to thrive, but the man needs to be working and providing (”responsibility”) for his young while the woman stays home and cares for them. Why not promote a society where single mothers can provide for their children on their own? Grove says that the Conservative government will provide a maternity nurse service for families who need help during the first days after childbirth, but there is no mention of this service being available to single mothers (or fathers) who have a newborn. An emphasis is placed on the relationship between the father and mother, implying that they are together.

And what does Grove think of women’s magazines? While he condemns lad mags’ presentation of a “narrow conception of beauty and a shallow approach towards women,” he praises women’s magazines (and their publishers) for addressing their readers “in a mature and responsible fashion.” So, being obsessed with materialism, being fearful of any beauty “imperfection,” and constantly being reminded that the attention of men is necessary to live a happy lifestyle is “mature”? Has this dude ever looked at a women’s magazine?

Lad Mags Linked To ‘Social Ills’ [BBC]
‘Lads Mags’ Condemned Over Images Of Women [Telegraph]
Poll” Do Lad Mags Make Men Feckless? [Guardian]

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From Jezebel:

 If there was one American cultural meme we didn’t need to export, it would be the recent surge in reported cases of women sexually abusing children. While, as a feminist, I am all for equality in almost every circumstance, I don’t feel that it’s necessary to extend the hypersexualization of girls to boys, or for women to catch up to men in terms of engaging in pedophilia or statutory rape. Be that as it may, while some on this side of the Atlantic are tittering over the relative hotness of the latest rape-y schoolteacher and papers all over the world have been covering the abusive dormitory monitor at Oprah’s school for girls in South Africa, 40 percent of school-age boys in the country report being forced to have sex before the age of 18, mostly by female perpetrators. Ugh.

Unsurprisingly, rapes were more common in poorer communities than richer and committed by people known to the victims more often than not. Nearly thirty percent of victims were assaulted by their fellow students, while 20 percent were assaulted by teachers and another 20 percent were assaulted by family members. The remaining 30 percent were assaulted by non-family members who weren’t teachers.

Neil Andersson and Ari Ho-Foster, who co-authored the study, rightly point out that the sheer volume of sexual abuse is likely to multiply given that children who are abused are more likely to become abusers — and, in fact, 10% of the victims in the study admit to also being perpetrators. They also suggest that the actual rate of abuse might be much higher given the continuing stigma associated with rape. One thing they don’t delve into is how much the rate of assaults today has to do with the rate of assaults in previous generations — is this a multi-generational problem now multiplied by the sheer number of adult victims? Is the onset of widespread abuse associated with a specific period of time or has this been acceptable behavior for generations of schoolboys? It’s hard to say.

Until 2007, raping a boy was not classified as a rape but as an “indecent assault,” a legal change that the authors applaud. They additionally note that decreasing the rape of young boys could pay serious dividends in reducing the rate of HIV infection in South Africa, which then makes one consider the possibility that older people are preying on too-young children in order to satisfy sexual urges without fear of disease. How is is even possible that using a condom has less of a stigma than raping a child?

South African Epidemic Of Schoolboy Sexual Abuse [Science Daily]
Oprah School Abuse Trial Starts [BBC]

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We thought there was supposed to be some backlash against the whole metrosexual thing, but whatever: British chain Superdrug has just launched a men’s cosmetics range called “Taxi Man” , which features “guy-liner” (larger and chunkier for poorly-coordinated male hands) and “manscara.” A concealer is in the works. Says the brand’s creator, “We’ve developed essentials any guy would borrow from his other half. It’s about subtle make-up rather than wanting to create the drag queen look.” “Borrowing?” “Any guy?” Who was their focus group? Why the hell is is called “Taxi Man” which is, by the way, the gayest name ever for a purportedly ‘macho’ line? Have we not learned that when men wear makeup, people get sent to the guillotine? More to the point: is that where our BeneTint went? [News.com.au]

(Jezebel)

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