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Michelle Obama : Dickipedia
August 8, 2008 — dre12No one escapes Dickipedia:
Michelle LaVaughn Robinson Obama (born January 17, 1964) is the wife of U.S. senator, presumptive presidential candidate, and Oprah panty-moistener Barack Obama. She is also a lawyer, terrorist fist-jabber, and a dick.More than anything else, Michelle Obama is a dick by association. That is, her dickery really isn’t based on who she is, but rather the roles she selects (e.g. glorified spokesmodel), and whatever crowd it forces her to come in contact with (e.g. the entire panel of The View, with maybe the exception of Joy Behar—maybe).
Critics often accuse both Michelle Obama and her husband of elitism, a charge she denies, despite the fact that they’re worth tens of millions of dollars, have appeared on the cover of every publication in the known world, and receive handwritten Christmas cards from George Clooney.
Obama herself affects the persona of a regular American working woman…with a Harvard Law degree. And fashion designers on retainer. And laser-whitened teeth. And Joe Scarborough talking smack about her Thursdays at 9 p.m.
Despite the fact that they don’t look all that much like each other, you can bet that many middle Americans would have a hard time picking her out of a line up if that line up also included Condoleezza Rice.
Family and education
Michelle Robinson Obama began nurturing a serious addiction to sleeveless dresses from her birth on January 17, 1964, a birthday she shares with fellow African-American role models Eartha Kitt, Steve Harvey, and Shabba Ranks (noted for such inspirational contributions to the nation’s cultural fabric as “Peanie, Peanie,” “Cocky Rim,” and “Love Punaany Bad.”).
Growing up in the South Shore area of Chicago, “The Second Dick City,” Obama attended Whitney High School. While at Princeton—alma mater of such time honored dicks as Aaron Burr, Eliot Spitzer, Donald Rumsfeld, and Ralph Nader—Michelle Obama majored in sociology with a minor in African American studies. Her brother Craig also attended Princeton, and was the fourth-leading scorer in Princeton men’s basketball history, which is kind of like being salutatorian of your prison GED class.
Michelle Obama graduated Princeton cum laude with a Bachelor of Dick Arts in 1985, before attending Harvard Law School, which, decade after decade since 1817 has devoted itself to turning out the dick cream of America’s dick crop, including Supreme Court Chief Dick John Roberts, disgraced former U.S. Dick Attorney General (or “Attorney Genital”) Alberto Gonzalez, and total Massholes Mitt Romney and Mike Dukakis.
She first met Barack as an associate at giant dickbag corporate law firm Sidley Austin, where she was originally assigned to mentor him for the summer. It was not long, however, before the two totally started officedogging. They married in 1992, and have two children, Malia Ann and Natasha. What’s more, they genuinely seem to love each other. If Barack Obama is elected, they may be the first First Couple to actually have sex with each other since the Kennedy Administration, and maybe even earlier.
Career
Like many dicks, Michelle Obama is a lawyer. Like many lawyers, Michelle Obama is a dick. This is a perfect example of the converse logical property of dicktitudinousness.
Far from a trophy wife—and let’s face it, really not bosomy enough—Obama currently works as Vice President for Community and External Affairs at University of Chicago Hospitals. This sounds like a made-up title. Since the presidential campaign began like three hundred years ago, she’s cut back on her hospital “responsibilities,” using the days to stump for her husband, spend time with her children, and fantasize about kicking the living snot out of “Obama Girl.” Naturally, she still earns a six-figure salary.
Political activities
Ever since her husband threw his dick in the ring, Michelle Obama has been one of Barack’s closest advisors and dutiful spokespeople. In fact, she has said that she brokered a deal in which her husband would quit smoking in exchange for her support. Of course, she didn’t say anything about chaw.
Being so publicly visible, Michelle Obama leaves herself open to intense scrutiny. Critics claim she is too frank in sharing anecdotes of Obama family life, such as her husband’s terrible morning breath and his tendency to leave his laundry on the floor. Others find it reassuring to know that even Barack Obama leaves a streak mark from time to time.
She also sparked outrage amongst conservative pundits—which, in all fairness, is about as difficult as giving Tommy Lee an erection—when she said “for the first time in my life I am proud of my country.” Interestingly enough, First Lady Laura Bush leapt to her defense, saying, “the really difficult part both of running for president or being the spouse of the president is [that] everything you say is looked at and in many cases misconstrued.” Like anyone cares what Laura Bush has to say about anything.
Michelle Obama is noted for her love of
hot cooterhaute couture. In fact, she was named to Vanity Fair World’s Best Dressed List in both 2007 & 2008, which sounds impressive until you learn the list also includes The Beckhams, Kanye West, and Anderson Cooper.
Doin’ “The Bump”
On June 6, 2008, Fox News Channel anchor E.D. Hill touched off a crapstorm of controversy when she suggested that a friendly “punch it in” between Michelle and Barack Obama might be some sort of “terrorist fist jab.” Of course, Hill misconstrued the hand gesture. What it really meant was “Wonder Twins unite—form of Hillary Clinton’s worst nightmare.”
Don’t you think…
…it’s about time Michelle Obama wrote her own best-selling inspirational memoir?
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