Standing in the way of control!

No one escapes Dickipedia:

Michelle LaVaughn Robinson Obama (born January 17, 1964) is the wife of U.S. senator, presumptive presidential candidate, and Oprah panty-moistener Barack Obama. She is also a lawyer, terrorist fist-jabber, and a dick.More than anything else, Michelle Obama is a dick by association. That is, her dickery really isn’t based on who she is, but rather the roles she selects (e.g. glorified spokesmodel), and whatever crowd it forces her to come in contact with (e.g. the entire panel of The View, with maybe the exception of Joy Behar—maybe).

Critics often accuse both Michelle Obama and her husband of elitism, a charge she denies, despite the fact that they’re worth tens of millions of dollars, have appeared on the cover of every publication in the known world, and receive handwritten Christmas cards from George Clooney.

Obama herself affects the persona of a regular American working woman…with a Harvard Law degree. And fashion designers on retainer. And laser-whitened teeth. And Joe Scarborough talking smack about her Thursdays at 9 p.m.

Despite the fact that they don’t look all that much like each other, you can bet that many middle Americans would have a hard time picking her out of a line up if that line up also included Condoleezza Rice.

Family and education

Michelle Robinson Obama began nurturing a serious addiction to sleeveless dresses from her birth on January 17, 1964, a birthday she shares with fellow African-American role models Eartha Kitt, Steve Harvey, and Shabba Ranks (noted for such inspirational contributions to the nation’s cultural fabric as “Peanie, Peanie,” “Cocky Rim,” and “Love Punaany Bad.”).

Growing up in the South Shore area of Chicago, “The Second Dick City,” Obama attended Whitney High School. While at Princeton—alma mater of such time honored dicks as Aaron Burr, Eliot Spitzer, Donald Rumsfeld, and Ralph Nader—Michelle Obama majored in sociology with a minor in African American studies. Her brother Craig also attended Princeton, and was the fourth-leading scorer in Princeton men’s basketball history, which is kind of like being salutatorian of your prison GED class.

Michelle Obama graduated Princeton cum laude with a Bachelor of Dick Arts in 1985, before attending Harvard Law School, which, decade after decade since 1817 has devoted itself to turning out the dick cream of America’s dick crop, including Supreme Court Chief Dick John Roberts, disgraced former U.S. Dick Attorney General (or “Attorney Genital”) Alberto Gonzalez, and total Massholes Mitt Romney and Mike Dukakis.

She first met Barack as an associate at giant dickbag corporate law firm Sidley Austin, where she was originally assigned to mentor him for the summer. It was not long, however, before the two totally started officedogging. They married in 1992, and have two children, Malia Ann and Natasha. What’s more, they genuinely seem to love each other. If Barack Obama is elected, they may be the first First Couple to actually have sex with each other since the Kennedy Administration, and maybe even earlier.

 

Career

Like many dicks, Michelle Obama is a lawyer. Like many lawyers, Michelle Obama is a dick. This is a perfect example of the converse logical property of dicktitudinousness.

Far from a trophy wife—and let’s face it, really not bosomy enough—Obama currently works as Vice President for Community and External Affairs at University of Chicago Hospitals. This sounds like a made-up title. Since the presidential campaign began like three hundred years ago, she’s cut back on her hospital “responsibilities,” using the days to stump for her husband, spend time with her children, and fantasize about kicking the living snot out of “Obama Girl.” Naturally, she still earns a six-figure salary.

 

Political activities

Ever since her husband threw his dick in the ring, Michelle Obama has been one of Barack’s closest advisors and dutiful spokespeople. In fact, she has said that she brokered a deal in which her husband would quit smoking in exchange for her support. Of course, she didn’t say anything about chaw.

Being so publicly visible, Michelle Obama leaves herself open to intense scrutiny. Critics claim she is too frank in sharing anecdotes of Obama family life, such as her husband’s terrible morning breath and his tendency to leave his laundry on the floor. Others find it reassuring to know that even Barack Obama leaves a streak mark from time to time.

She also sparked outrage amongst conservative pundits—which, in all fairness, is about as difficult as giving Tommy Lee an erection—when she said “for the first time in my life I am proud of my country.” Interestingly enough, First Lady Laura Bush leapt to her defense, saying, “the really difficult part both of running for president or being the spouse of the president is [that] everything you say is looked at and in many cases misconstrued.” Like anyone cares what Laura Bush has to say about anything.

Michelle Obama is noted for her love of hot cooter haute couture. In fact, she was named to Vanity Fair World’s Best Dressed List in both 2007 & 2008, which sounds impressive until you learn the list also includes The Beckhams, Kanye West, and Anderson Cooper.

 

Doin’ “The Bump”

On June 6, 2008, Fox News Channel anchor E.D. Hill touched off a crapstorm of controversy when she suggested that a friendly “punch it in” between Michelle and Barack Obama might be some sort of “terrorist fist jab.” Of course, Hill misconstrued the hand gesture. What it really meant was “Wonder Twins unite—form of Hillary Clinton’s worst nightmare.”

 

Don’t you think…

…it’s about time Michelle Obama wrote her own best-selling inspirational memoir?

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This narcissist deserves an entry in Dickipedia, the super dick Donald Trump:

Overview and business

Trump rose to fame as a builder and real-estate developer. His buildings are known for their aesthetic touches commonly considered “classy” in many parts of the dick community. They feature gold fixtures, gold windows, gold signs and gold marble. Trump really likes gold.

About his first signature skyscraper, The Trump Tower, he said, “When people see the beautiful marble in Trump Tower, they usually have no idea what I went through personally to achieve the end result. No one cares about the blood, sweat, and tears that art or beauty require.”

Even for a dick, Trump is widely considered to be a braggart with an outsized and unwarranted opinion of himself and his talents. This is thought to be reason for the common theme linking the names of his many properties and businesses. They include:

• Trump Palace
• Trump Parc
• Trump Park Avenue
• Trump Tower
• Trump World Tower
• Trump Star Tower
• Trump Plaza
• Trump Grande
• Trump Place
• Trump Taj Mahal
• Trump Marina
• Trump Casino
• Trump Island Villas
• Trump Elite Tower
• Trump Tower Variations
• Trump Ice bottled water
• Trump Vodka
• Trump Shuttle
• Trump Golf
• Trump Magazine
• Trump Cologne for Men
• The Donald J. Trump Signature Men’s Collection
Trump considers himself the consummate dealmaker. “Deals are my art form,” he has written, “other people paint beautifully on canvas or write wonderful poetry. I like making deals, preferably big deals. That’s how I get my kicks.” That, and having sexual intercourse with curiously “mannish” women.

Career

Trump portrays himself as a self-made man, but, in fact, he started his career at his father’s successful real-estate company, the Trump Organization. While it is true that since then he has been successful in finding other wealthy dicks to buy apartments and condos in his many dick buildings, he is not as successful or as wealthy as he portrays himself to be.

In 2005, the journalist Timothy L. O’Brien, a staff writer for The New York Times, published the book “TrumpNation: The Art of Being The Donald.” In the book O’Brien claimed that Trump was not, as he claims, a billionaire, and worth only $250 million. Trump filed suit against O’Brien for “libel” in 2006. The suit is still pending.

Not in dispute is the fact that Trump’s businesses have been in and out of bankruptcy court since the early 1990’s. In 1991, The Taj Mahal Casino, which Trump financed largely with high-interest junk bonds, was forced into bankruptcy. In 1992, the Trump Plaza Hotel was forced to reorganize under a Chapter 11 bankruptcy plan after being unable to meet it dept payments. In 2004, Trump Hotels was also forced to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. About that bankruptcy he said, “I don’t think it’s a failure, it’s a success.” This confusion with opposites is considered by many to be a possible explanation for his taste in women.

In 2004, Trump became the Executive Producer of the NBC show “The Apprentice,” a reality show in which contestants vie to see who is the biggest dick, as judged by Trump. Participants are dismissed from the show with the signature phrase, “You’re fired,” which Trump has tried to trademark. In 2007, ratings were down significantly from 2006, and the show was last among the networks in its timeslot. Perhaps this is because all of the women on the show, instead of competing to win, are focusing their energies on having sex with Trump: “All of the women on ‘The Apprentice’ flirted with me — consciously or unconsciously,” said Trump. “That’s to be expected.”

Family

In 1977, Trump married Ivana Zelnickova, whom he also branded with the “Trump” name. Ivana, a Czechoslovakian peroxide blond with a penchant for plastic surgery and international playboy wastrels, nicknamed Trump “The Donald.” They had three children, Donald Jr., Ivanka (sic) and Eric. Ivanka later claimed to be a “fashion model.”

Though Ivana was also a dick, and shared The Donald’s love of the dick aesthetic, it was not enough to keep the marriage together. In the early 1990’s, Trump began having sexual intercourse with a woman named Marla Maples. She was an “actress,” because she had appeared in a movie called “Maximum Overdrive,” in which she played a character named “2nd Woman.” Ivana filed for divorce shortly after, and Trump and Maples were married in 1993.

Though Trump was unsuccessful in branding Maples with the Trump name, he was able to inseminate her. In 1993, Maples gave birth to Trump’s fourth dick progeny, “Tiffany” (sic). Trump and Maples divorced in 1999.

Trump soon started dating Melanie Knauss, a Slovenian woman who looks like a Slovenian man. She/He became Trump new trophy wife in 2004. She is seven years older than Donald Trump, Jr. It is known that she allowed the aging Trump, who has unnaturally-colored orange hair styled in a bizarre comb-over, to penetrate her at least once, as she gave birth to Trump’s fifth dick offspring, Barron (sic) William Trump, in 2006.

About Barron, Trump had this to say in 2007: “He’s strong, he’s smart, he’s tough, he’s vicious, he’s violent — all of the ingredients you need to be an entrepreneur, and most importantly, hopefully he’s smart because smart is really the ingredient,”

Feuds

In the 1980’s Spy Magazine, edited by Graydon Carter and Kurt Anderson, dubbed Trump a “short-fingered vulgarian.” In 2006, on the occasion of the 25th anniversary of Spy, Trump was asked about the moniker. Trump’s reply, which he has had 25 years to think about, was, in the opinion of many, as classy as the gold marble in Trump Tower: “In fact, my fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body.” It is presumed he is talking about his penis.

In 2006 and 2007, Trump was engaged in a feud with Rosie O’Donnell, former co-host of the talk show “The View.” On the show O’Donnell claimed that Trump orchestrated a controversy with the Miss Universe pageant, which he owns, in order to generate publicity for the season premier of “The Apprentice.” Trump’s reply was no less trenchant than his retort to Carter and Anderson, calling O’Donnell “fat,” a “slob,” and an “animal,” “very unattractive,” and “a pigface.” He then claimed “I never went bankrupt” and threatened that either he or one of “his friends” would soon “steal” the openly-gay O’Donnell’s girlfriend away. Given Trump’s relationships with Ivana Trump and Melanie Knauss, this was not considered to be an idle threat.

Trivia

In the 1980’s Trump retained the legal services of Roy Cohn, former chief counsel to Senator Joseph McCarthy’s Senate Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations, closeted self-hating homosexual and a symbol of pure evil. Their meetings are generally considered to be some of the few times in which Trump has not been the worst person in the room.
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Everybody’s favorite supermodel, Naomi Campbell can add her name to Dickipedia’s list of dicks.

An extract:

Naomi Campbell (born May 22, 1970) is a British supermodel. She is also a singer, author, and fashion designer, although only in the sense that she has engaged in these activities, not that she is particularly good at any of them. Admittedly, she’s pretty good at the supermodeling, but a supermodel isn’t quite so super once she turns 20—and Campbell is nearly two decades beyond that.With long legs and a sophisticated, sultry style, Naomi Campbell was once the archetypal cover girl. Back in 1989. She has managed to remain in the spotlight by throwing a series of very public hissy-fits, slapping personal assistants and assaulting whoever happens to be closest with whatever happens to be closest, which in her case usually happens to be either a BlackBerry PDA or jewel-encrusted cell phone.

Campbell has blamed these “outbursts” on lingering resentment toward her father for abandoning her, but really she’s just super pissed because no male under the age of 50 has wanted to have sex with her for a very, very long time.

Naomi Campbell sweats Tyra Banks like R. Kelly at a Girl Scout meeting.

It gets even nastier as you read further:

While still embroiled in a civil case brought by former employees over said abuse, and after already serving a community service sentence of mopping floors at the New York Department of Sanitation—which to someone like her must have been worse than 10 years in state prison—Naomi totally freaked out in the VIP section of a Led Zeppelin concert at London’s O2 Arena, believing someone stole her BlackBerry. What made her even more furious is that she did not have the handheld electronic organizer to beat anyone with.

Not long after that, Naomi Campbell was arrested inside Heathrow’s airport for a variety of offenses, including spitting in a police officer’s face because her luggage was missing. For this incident, in June 2008, she was convicted and sentenced to 200 hours of community service. She was also banned from British Airways for life. In perhaps the final insult, the one that very well might propel her to her ultimate self-destruction, Naomi Campbell was removed from the invite list to Nelson Mandela’s 90th birthday concert. By Nelson Mandela himself. Wow.

The full entry here….

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This is what Dickipedia thinks of Robert Mugabe:

Robert Gabriel Mugabe KCB (born on February 21, 1924) is the President of Zimbabwe—a small country in southern Africa predominately known for its usefulness in the board game Scattergories™ when someone selects a “Places” card and then rolls a Z. He is a former freedom fighter, current political oppressor, and a dick.Mugabe rose to prominence in the 1960s as a prime force in the Zimbabwe African National Union, or ZANU, which then became the Zimbabwe African National Union-Patriotic Front, or ZANU-PF, right after it absorbed the Zimbabwe African People’s Union, or ZAPU, which was itself once known as the Patriotic Front-African People’s Union, or PF-ZAPU. This isn’t nearly as confusing at it sounds, because essentially, they’re all the same thing, kind of like how the WWF became the WWE, except without all the steroids, unitards and “Mean” Gene Okerlund down at ringside.

A leader during the Bush War (1964-1979)—a dispute stemming from the restrictive pubic hair regulations that governed Rhodesian strip clubs at the time—Mugabe was originally hailed as both a hero of Zimbabwean independence and as an educated, enlightened head of state. Then came the egomania, the vote-rigging, the armed intimidation, and, of course, the ethnic cleansing. Why does it always seem to end in ethnic cleansing?

Despite the apparent defeat of Mugabe and his party in both presidential and parliamentary elections in late March 2008, he is refusing to cede power, first withholding the election results, then demanding a recount… of a tally he would not allow to be counted in the first place.

In essence, Mugabe is that guy who shows up at your party and seems really cool at first, but then, somehow, gets way too drunk, stays after everyone leaves, and then hits on your girlfriend by asking her if she wants to shoot a homemade porno.

Interestingly enough, however, in the grand scheme of African dictators, Mugabe is kind of small time. He’s no Idi Amin, for instance; he’s not even a Mobutu Sese Seko. As such, no one will realize how much of a dick Robert Mugabe really is until they make a movie about him, starring Forest Whitaker in a powerfully brilliant, tour de force performance.

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